...

2011-12-07T23:32:00.004+08:00

Its over, so many days of mental torture is finally over and done with. But somehow it seems to me that its more of relief rather than happiness that I am feeling. This entire journey was nothing like a roller coaster, more like a bungee jump; its free fall, then you bounce a bit and then you stay at the bottom.

In movies and books I think the most lasting impressions often come from the ending scenes because of the obvious reason that you see it the last. And in the last moments of this shit hole made me realise that I am truly lucky to make it out of there. The manner in which they saw us out was the epitome of indifference and inability. I know very well that I am free and no longer subject to the obvious abuse of power, but they left me with a really bitter taste in the mouth.

The irony is appalling. Who would have known the very thing that was supposed to shape us into men from boys could actually have people whose only aim is to have a childish show of dominance. Lack of intelligence or not(in this case yes), whatever the case, you can't change the unwilling.

Maybe that's the thing about power. When you don't have it you can observe ever so clearly from the side lines, what needs to be done and what is not. Perhaps that fateful day had I answered with more resolve and direction maybe I would instead be the subject of a similar rant. I hope I remember this. When the time comes for me to step up, these past few months have shown me clear examples of what I shouldn't do.

I am a free man now.

The loner, the short and the broke

2011-10-28T19:36:00.005+08:00

Its been around a year and almost four months since I've started doing duty and I only have 4 more to go. Last one being on the 18th next month. There's a bitter sweet feeling to it in the sense that I'll be finally out of this shit at the end but I think I'll miss the friends that I've made. Its like you're the maggot in a piece of shit. You had no choice because you were laid there by circumstances that are not under your control. You want to escape and the only way to do that is to eat the shit in your face to get out. Its crap and you're finally gonna see the sun but then turn around and start to think of your fellow maggots that are also eating their way out. Maybe you don't wanna care but deep inside you know that they matter. Because even though you guys are eating the shit in your respective paths but sometimes when other people eat their shit it kinda loosens the intensity of your own shit. Especially those that are close by when they eat their shit sometimes it results in the shit that you have being less compact thus making it easier for you to eat.

But whatever the case I'm still happy its ending. Because this shit hasn't exactly shaped me in the way I pictured it to be. What I do involves being alone for long periods of time. And being alone I've become accustomed to it. I used to think that I was a pretty sociable person. At least I could talk comfortably to most people. But this shit has kinda made me afraid of meeting new people. Because the "new" people that I meet on the job are always the same kind of people. Meaning that the questions they ask are always the same, they ask about my job. The same few obvious questions never fail to surface. In other words, I am doing something I don't like. I meet people while doing the thing I don't like. And these people talk to me about the thing I don't like and the things they ask are always the same. In some ways I've become less willing to open up to new people. Like you know, why bother talking when you're gonna say the same thing over and over again.

Besides new people, there is an enormous amount of time spent alone doing nothing. Sure, I can bring entertainment but it doesn't change the fact that it cuts off communication with other people. I become less needy for company or rather I've become less willing to meet up with friends.

They say the only constant in this world is change. But of course it doesn't apply to everything and one of those things is my height. Haha I'm still short. I've accepted that it isn't going to get any better unless I get bitten by radioactive spiders. I'm not gonna whine boo hoo I'm too short but acceptance doesn't take away the inconvenience this brings. And why am I bringing this up all of a sudden? Because SNSD is coming and I'm not going to watch them. Why? Because through experience, concerts aren't exactly the choice outing for a guy like me. Four words : can't see no shit. Some concerts you have to be in the mosh pit to experience it best. A7x was awesome even thought I CSNS. Green day I was sitting because gb doesn't have a brain. Taylor Swift I was standing but I think that its an exception because alot of kids were there and comparatively I was average or maybe even above average and I could watch the whole show with no problem. Its just sad man that I'm never going to experience any concert in the pit with a decent view.

Maybe its a good thing because it can let me save some money.. I am going to be broke soon.

2011-09-24T20:20:00.002+08:00

Its been awhile, I don't blog often as you can see. I reread some older posts that I wrote and seriously I think I was damn funny. But whatever happened to that guy I don't know and I think I need to find him again. I used to post all the random shit on my blog then at some point of time I became that random shit and it wasn't as funny as before. Not being funny I'm okay with it, in any case I think I'm probably the only one that thought and still thinks I was funny at that point of time. But the fact that I was trying too hard kinda made me cringe. I guess it wasn't clear to me at that time but I guess its not too late to learn.

I used to think that it was pretty obvious that as we grew older we will learn and gain experience (which made me think that a certain motto was stupid. But then again I think the entire organisation is stupid). Until jj told me on twitter that its not really the case and he gave me a really good example. So actually when you think about it some people just don't learn. Like the old man in pokemon who insists that you don't know how to catch a pokemon even after so many versions.

Anyways I'm down to double digits, which makes me even more anxious to end this shit. I'm starting to be more apathetic as time goes by and mood really affects how I blog I think. When I'm done I think I'd have more things to talk about too.